pathetic and morose

i have tried about three times this morning to write a post that wasnt morose and pathetic including posting my results from the nerd test over on kukas blog (i am 91% nerd, by the way. sheesh). but nothing seems to be right, and its simply because nothing is right.

everything is a mess.

oh on the outside it all looks alright. trent has gone back to work. i am marking essays. the dogs are playing happily together.

but this weekend we sorted through furniture, and it was horrible. everything was a memory. everything was a story. it felt morbid and callous.

then we tried to be happy and do normal things but it just feels hollow.

i am most scared by that, that i feel like opting out entirely. i feel like everything is happening in a parallel universe. how can anything go on as normal? its all just pretend.

the problem i think for both trent and myself is that we are oldest childrens, and have had difficult histories where we have had to learn to be entirely self-sufficient and self-regulatory. we have been so busy the last week or so keeping everyone else together that there has been no time for feeling of our own, and so we look like we're holding up ok.

but i dont think we are really. apart from normal grieving process. whatever that is.

its just that when you are used to holding it together, you really dont know how to let it go. so i can feel us both drifting away from everything, into our own little worlds, where we dont have to make small talk or explain things to anyone. and then people think youre ok, and act like everythings ok, when its not, and what can you do when you create your own hell like that?!

the truth is, now that i am so totally estranged from my family, and trent has none of his own left, we really feel completely alone in the world, family wise. i always thought i was ok with that. but now im not so sure. suddenly family seems really important. i miss having one. i never did have one really, but i miss the idea of it.

i am thinking of writing a letter to my estranged ones and trying to sort things out. but what would be the point - ive tried before and nothing has changed so it seemed easier to let go.

and i suspect now isnt the time to be tackling those particular demons anyway.

in the meantime, i just dont really care what Student X thinks about the implications of anzac day, because he/she will probably tell me how important it is to remember our national heroes and who am i to argue about what constitutes heroism?

see, nothing morose and pathetic about this post!

i cant eat any more chocolate or i will explode. this is pretty tasty but:

and then theres the cute factor:

i should be thankful, at least i dont have a bucket on my head because i keep chewing my leg and tail out of anxiety. its all relative isnt it?!

thanks for listening.

kxx