Monday, April 28, 2008

pathetic and morose

i have tried about three times this morning to write a post that wasnt morose and pathetic including posting my results from the nerd test over on kukas blog (i am 91% nerd, by the way. sheesh). but nothing seems to be right, and its simply because nothing is right.

everything is a mess.

oh on the outside it all looks alright. trent has gone back to work. i am marking essays. the dogs are playing happily together.

but this weekend we sorted through furniture, and it was horrible. everything was a memory. everything was a story. it felt morbid and callous.

then we tried to be happy and do normal things but it just feels hollow.

i am most scared by that, that i feel like opting out entirely. i feel like everything is happening in a parallel universe. how can anything go on as normal? its all just pretend.

the problem i think for both trent and myself is that we are oldest childrens, and have had difficult histories where we have had to learn to be entirely self-sufficient and self-regulatory. we have been so busy the last week or so keeping everyone else together that there has been no time for feeling of our own, and so we look like we're holding up ok.

but i dont think we are really. apart from normal grieving process. whatever that is.

its just that when you are used to holding it together, you really dont know how to let it go. so i can feel us both drifting away from everything, into our own little worlds, where we dont have to make small talk or explain things to anyone. and then people think youre ok, and act like everythings ok, when its not, and what can you do when you create your own hell like that?!

the truth is, now that i am so totally estranged from my family, and trent has none of his own left, we really feel completely alone in the world, family wise. i always thought i was ok with that. but now im not so sure. suddenly family seems really important. i miss having one. i never did have one really, but i miss the idea of it.

i am thinking of writing a letter to my estranged ones and trying to sort things out. but what would be the point - ive tried before and nothing has changed so it seemed easier to let go.

and i suspect now isnt the time to be tackling those particular demons anyway.

in the meantime, i just dont really care what Student X thinks about the implications of anzac day, because he/she will probably tell me how important it is to remember our national heroes and who am i to argue about what constitutes heroism?

see, nothing morose and pathetic about this post!

i cant eat any more chocolate or i will explode. this is pretty tasty but:

and then theres the cute factor:

i should be thankful, at least i dont have a bucket on my head because i keep chewing my leg and tail out of anxiety. its all relative isnt it?!

thanks for listening.



Michelle said...

OMG! Kostya bit Possum's head off! (just joking - but I was trying to get you to laugh a little more at a brilliant photo).

Jokes aside, I really wish I could give you a great big hug right now. You've hit the nail on the head - trying to be the ones to keep your shit together really does do your head in.

As for family - I am a great believer in family being the ones you make for yourselves. And I don't mean children, god forbid. I have been surrounded by family, even big outlaw families, and feeling like the loneliest person ever. Surround yourselves with those who will support you no matter what. Those who love you no matter what. Even if that's just Trent, or a SnB crowd, or a nice person from uni. You don't have to see them all the time (you certainly wouldn't see a conventional family all the time!) but it shouldn't matter.

There are so many other things I could bring up here, but I don't want to hog your comments box. I've said enough.


kms said...

thanks michelle,i had not seen that aspect of the photo before and it did make me laugh out loud! youre right about the other stuff too. xx

Bells said...

What Michelle said. Honestly, she's right.

I wish you well if you think attempting mend bridges is worthwhile, but don't let the sadness overwhelm you into doing something you really aren't sure you want to do. You don't need that stress right now. Be kind to yourself and get love and support where it comes from naturally.

Fernicle said...

Re: the bucket, yes things could always be worse :)

Re: experience seems to be things appeared fine and I operated in a parallel universe for quite a few months, now it is actually becoming real that I will never see or talk to or hug my mother again. You never know when the break down will come but there is no need to worry, because it will come.

Hang in there. Can't say time heals all hurt because I truly believe it has just heightened mine at the moment but it is all still so fresh for me. Sorry I can't be more consoling but I am sure you have enough of that already. It is painful. It is confusing. It hurts and it will continue to do so for some time. Manage and act in the best way you can but keep in mind that there will be no normal.

Re: anzac poor chicken, I remember those well, one of the things I found hardest to grade, given my strong feelings on the matter which are against middle Australia.

xxx across the oceans to you, trent and the pooches.

TinkingBell said...

I really feel for you - I am an orphan and still miss both my parents terribly - but we make our own families, just as Michelle said! - You and Trent and the dawgs and Trent's dad's partner - you're a family and that's important - hang on to each other - but the whole letting go thing - I couldn't either and ended up in some bad things - nervous breakdown. anorexia - talk to someone - apart from each other - truly - it will help!

Rose Red said...

I can't add to the words of wisdom already written but can say I too know from experience that the death of a loved parent can make you re-asses the value of family (and I used "family" in the broadest, Michelle-type sense). Hugs to you and your bucket headed/be-headed doggies.

2paw said...

Everyone has already cheered you up I see from your latest post. I was all pathetic and morose with you until I saw the poor puppy with a bucket head!!! Then I had to laugh, not in a bad way: poor puppy!!! It is all relative!!
They are lovely socks!!!

Jejune said...

What they said ... big hugs. Sometimes you get to the point where you don't think you can take any more tragedy or disaster. Only thing that really changed things for me (and I was in the "seriously not coping" stage) after the past horrible 10 months was starting belly dancing - ie some joyful physical activity, where you can't think about other stuff for a while. Magic.

It's so good of you to take in Bob's dog ... I'm sure he'll be very happy in your little family, once he's allowed out of his bucket :)