Thursday, November 20, 2008

not simple enough

i wish i was a dog. they dont worry about anything, except whether someone is stealing their bones, or getting a longer tummy rub than them. they dont have to worry about calories or exercise (they seem to magically get the right amount of both around here), and if they're hungry, they just eat dirt:

they sleep all day, chase birds, roll in crap and get taken on cool car adventures. sometimes they get to run and jump over things, grab a ball, chase some sheep. roll in crap again.

me, im too busy freakin' analysing everything to realise how simple life can be if you let it. i am sick of being a human female who thinks too much, feels too much, cares too much. i have been turning myself in knots about family complexities, work opportunities, health care, other peoples driving skills (or lack thereof, i am really a bit scared on the road now), and What Other People think...its driving me to distraction.

for example, yesterday i had to go to wollongong unexpectedly for a meeting with someone else who wants me to do some research work for them, and its possibly a big deal with possibly a big deal job in the new year (the current work is just on contract to see how we work together), and i met some of her other staff, and they were all 20 something skinny lizzy PYTs and i felt every single one of my excess kilo 40 year old self. it was so bad, i came home via the chemist and bought hair dye because i can not possibly work in that centre with grey hair. sorry RR, i caved... gah!! whats going on in the world?!!

and just now i have had a ridiculous phone conversation because i couldnt just say whether i would or wouldnt do something on the weekend without thinking about all the underlying implications and how it would appear and what other agendas were at work, and its no wonder sometimes People want to strangle me. I want to strangle me.

i have also been worrying a lot about life post-phd and what i should or shouldnt be doing. i feel as tho there is a strong expectation, from others, from myself, that i should pursue a full on academic career but i cant honestly say i want the crap that goes with it, and i feel like i need to be doing something more grounded, that gives back to society in some way. this is a good thing about the research work i am doing, the latest project is about the affect of sports peoples off field behaviour on young peoples perceptions of risk taking, however the deadline is like, tomorrow, and the other nursing research work im doing has just been taken to a whole other level because of a late night teleconference we had with the UK earlier this week, which opened up a whole other 'can of worms', plus i still have my 2 day office job, so i have more work than i know what to do with, and there just arent enough hours in the day!

i took an hour at lunch time to cast on the Victorian Ruby scarf from Victorian Lace Today (which i am carrying around like its my bible at the moment), i made a rather simple crochet cast on into some sort of contortionist act, but when i did figure it out i felt a whole lot better:

also making me feel better is the way the weather has been here the last few days. this was at 6am the other morning:

look closely and you will see its wabbit season. i wish the dogs were better at catching them, cheeky little pests.

and just now a storm rolled in that was quite spectacular:

it dumped a lot of rain:

which is really helping my pots and the rocket has righted itself, so thats one less thing to worry about.

did someone say 'breath'?

k xx


Bells said...

Your headspace and mine sound remarkably familiar. I'm in knots too.

Just knit more. And more and more.

Bells said...

I meant similar, not familiar!

Olivia said...

Oh, I think get where you're coming from. I am fascinated by those people who seem to simplify things where I complicate them - who have that 'can do' attitude and usually only one opinion on things. I find myself wishing to be like that - but when it comes down to it I don't trust that kind of thinking!

Still, one of my mottos is 'don't make things more complicated than they have to be' - for me, that is what leads to a lot of procrastination. I try.

Leonie said...

In our house that is known as "having a mental" it used to occur more often, hasn't happened since the stress of my dad's near death/hospitalisation in March so I'm doing good really. Being in a state of indecision about everything is not so surprising from the sound of it if you are nearing the end of your PhD and starting to think of what's next. For me that was easy, kids, and I'll return to academia of some sort later....just wait for my posts around then, stress city at our house! (Word verification is stess, just a little misspelt but otherwise appplicable!) Good luck with finding your equilibrium again.

m1k1 said...

I could offer some advice but it would have to come with the caveat that it is from someone who has found equilibrium by assuming the position:: Momentum=0. This is not a good equilibrium. Do not aim for this one!

Regardless of the above
1. ponder the good ones - you've got somewhere to live, enough to eat, someone to love, and of course, knitting.
2. write down the ones that bother you, tie them to a balloon, and let them go. With or without a real balloon.
3. Breathe.

The people that matter love you for who you are.

Rose Red said...

Oooh, I love the balloon advice - that is fabulous. Must remember that.

I often think I don't worry enough. You and I need to meet in the middle I think!

2paw said...

Yes, dogs are like that!!! Peri eats worse things than dirt too. That's a big pile of snacks there!!
I usually find things look a little better in the mornings: somehow a good night's sleep makes problems seem less boogelly. We have had rain, so our mornings have been very happy!!!

Taphophile said...

You have been having a rough trot. Hugs.

Caffeine Faerie said...

read this

You're not that old, and won't be for a while, but start practising!

You've gone through so much - and are so conscientious of other people... try be selfish for a day or two - do what you want to do, not what you think other people expect you to do. Look out for No.1. You know what you can and can't do - trust your change, and made decisions on that, not over analysing anything. It doesn't work - trust me!

Remember -you've got a roof over your head, stash to fondle, dogs to play with, a very smart brain on that perfectly fine body of yours, and people who love you for who you are, not what you think they think you are.

Just... do the zen thing - go with the flow. And hair dye can do wonders for a change.

*big hugs and karma*
\ends pep talk and picks up the pom poms....

Michelle said...

I am, typically, a complete stress-bucket with a fair whack of depression thrown in for fun.

A few years ago I noticed I was doing stuff for everyone else, but it wasn't being reciprocated at all. Even the caring wasn't there (this hasn't changed much, to be perfectly honest). And I felt guilty all the time. I decided that the only person who was going to treat me like the princess I desired to be, was Me. That started the Michelle Days. And the Michelle Nights. They are sacred - I can't be interupted, nagged to watch a movie, nagged to go out and fix up the irrigation. I don't take phone calls from the family. Sadly Michelle Days have slipped lately for a variety of reasons that could be considered TMI, but they will be starting up again TONIGHT. Closely followed by TOMORROW.

I no longer go places I do not want to be, or where I think I will not be treated with the respect I deserve.

No one is ever going to treat you as well as you can treat yourself.


What M1K1 said.

And what everyone else said.

Hope you have a nice weekend! Have a Kylie Day at least once!

PS The above comment made me sound like I'm so confident and sure of myself. I'm not. But I try!

PPS Word verification is commo. LOL!

Fernicle said...

Yes breathe. And be greateful for rain. And for dogs, bless their little dirty paws!

I too am thinking far too much about 'my future' in career terms at the moment, lots of ideas, options and opportunities on the table for next year, and trying to account for and factor everything in makes heads hurt. I am typically indecision queen because the equations seem too complicated and always incomplete!

I therefore also suggest small sessions of meditation where not only do you concentrate on the breathing thing, but you also take some time to just try and objectively observe the thousand thoughts that rush through your head constantly, observe them, name them, and then try and just breathe them out for a little while...

lots of virtual hugs and kisses...