Thursday, February 14, 2008

another apology

a few weeks ago i sent an email blanket apology to all my friends apologising in advance for what i thought would be my erratic behaviour as the pensky drew to a close. what i didnt realise was how i would feel when it finished. i finished it all up yesterday and sent the final version off the duo just before lunch time. i had a bit of a cry about it, which surprised me really. i thought i would be happy. but i am not really.

firstly i was angry. this thing has given me so much grief and put so much pressure on my relationship and other friendships, let alone my own mental health, i have grown to hate it. so i threw all the files i hope i wont need again in a box:

literally threw them. bad files. then i cleaned off the desk. its quite a big one when it isnt covered in bad files.

then i had arguments with various people about the wording of the acknowledgments. i dont want to be bitter and twisted and i need to be political about this end of things, so i tried to write honest ones that rose above all the crap we've had. i got some good advice and some bad advice and i am quite upset to see particular agendas being played out still and some people thinking that my thesis acknowledgments should be an act of revenge, when that doesnt help anyone, especially not myself. i am quite sick of all the game playing that goes on in academia and am really angry that i have been used at times as a pawn in other peoples power games.

and i am angry that on the day when i should feel great about finishing, i just feel like crap. i dont know how im supposed to feel but i do feel as though everything ive been bottling up just so i can get over the finish line is starting to come out, and its making me feel crazy and scattered and tried and sad and angry all at once. and its still not over because its not submitted yet and i am anxious about that part as well.

so i am apologising again because i dont know how to handle this bit, i dont know what im supposed to feel or how i should behave or even what i want, and so im sorry to everyone for the unthinking words that come out of my mouth, that im still so preoccupied, that i am just a ball of feeling. i imagine it will pass soon and then life can go on and maybe one day i'll laugh about it.

i swear, the floppy hat had better be worth all this angst.

k xx


Bells said...

Kylie, I reckon that elation is probably something that comes later. You've made it to the finishing line and you've worked bloody hard and suffered a lot to get here. I would be surprised if weren't somewhat deflated right now.

I know my steeked jacket is nothing like the monumental effort you've put in, but after cutting it, I felt kind of like you did. In just the tiniest way. I've struggled with that project. I've hated it at times. I just want it done.

Just sit with the feelings you've got now. Cleaning stuff out is really, really good. The elation will come later. I'm sure of it.

Rose Red said...

I can't say it better than Bells - so what she said!

TinkingBell said...

It's the stress of finishing something THAT HUGE!!

It;s like getting sick in the first week of your holiday when you've been really stressed at work.

Be kind to yourself - buy yourself a present (the Knittery is having a sale!), have a bath with lots of bubbles - a massage, a pedicure - go to the hairdresser.
Drink champagne - cook something gorgeous -r get takeaways and watch a mindless movie!

Unwind girl - you've been hard at it for a Looooooong time - it takes you're body a while to catch up. I predict you'll get a cold and feel like crap next week (sorry - it's just what always happens!!) happened to me when my thesis went off - and to everyone I know)

You've done an amazing job - now be kind to yourself!

Caffeine Faerie said...

What a relief - congratulations!

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. The relief comes when its all over and you get the marks back. But the loathing and crying is all alright, its cathargic. To this day, I can't bring myself to open my nicely bound thesis because it still causes me angst, so just be comfortable knowing that it's going to take a while.

Your thesis was esepcially traumatic towards the end, so expect to feel teary, irrational and exhausted for a while - they tell me its a grieving process of sorts. But just know you're done.

Watch the postbox early next week. ;)

Margie said...

Congratulations on finishing! Well done. I felt a great big void after finishing mine too. Just, oh, well, that's done now. What am I doing now? Should I be reading a paper? Erm, no. Oh. Um, well, oh maybe I should proof read it again, erm, no. Um. Oh. Um. Oh.

I didn't feel the big pride and elation until I was sitting on the stage at graduation wearing my puffy hat and they called my name.
But I tell you what that pride and elation will be worth it. :)


Trent said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kms said...

thanks everyone for the kind words. feeling a bit better today, valentines day chocolates helped with that! and there is no way i could even attempt the steek bells, so maybe you should get an honorary doctorate for that!