instant gratification

the thing i am finding the hardest to accept about the pensky-process is that it is not a creative one. in fact, it seems designed to destroy all capacity for creative thinking.

this is why i like knitting so much. i especially like socks, because you get to do interesting things along the way, you can do plain or fancy (if you can read a pattern properly), there are so many pretty yarns, and you maybe only have to sew about 24 stitches at the end if youre lucky. and then you can wear it. straight away.

i particularly like ankle socks. few rounds of rib, few rounds of stocking stitch, then suddenly we're at the heel and nearly done. it makes me feel creative and productive.

taking everyones advice, i have ditched the fancy socks for now, and have started the second of trents contrast sock. this is the fourth sock i have made of these, two without contrast heels for dave, and trents with the contrast heel.

while knitting these, i have fallen deeply in love with patonyle. not necessarily as a brand, because the colourways can sometimes be a bit dodgy, and not really as a great sock wool, like it has no real elasticity about it. but it is about the softest yarn ive ever knitted with, and today i feel like something soft and kind flowing through my fingers. and because i really need instant gratification that isnt going to stack on the kilos, i have cast on my own pair of patonyle ankle socks:

it helped. but i am still very jittery. i feel a little as though i cant quite breathe and i suspect that may be what they call anxiety. my hands are shaking a lot. yesterday, every time the phone rang i yelled 'what do you WANT?' to no one in particular. didnt help that we had another cracker of a thunderstorm.

but they are just feelings and they will pass. yesterday i took more advice, from you my lovely kind thoughtful readers, and from trent and other academics, and wrote up a transcript of our meeting for my records, just what was said and who said it, and then i wrote a long email asking a series of questions and clarifications in the simplest non-emotive language possible. in it i stated that i want a sign off date of feb 22 and that i wont be working on it after that. i also suggested that if it wasnt working out 'between us', there are other options, and left that hanging.

i also wrote my abstract. that helped, because it made me think perhaps its not a piece of shit, perhaps it does do what i say it does. perhaps its not me thats the problem at all!

i have some follow up meetings with other people today that should help as well, and i have set myself the task of making all the changes i want to make by next friday. its really very doable. and then i really think this will be over.

please let it be over.

k xx