oops

my bad. i completely forgot. its knittings fault, i am really close to finishing clappy and i just kind of got lost in it last night and remembered blogtoberfest only as i was brushing my teeth before bed, and i felt a moment of panic and then the quiet calm of resignation. i did have a bit of a post planned about 'pilgrimage', it was going to be about the phenomena that is facebook, and how i have managed to get myself on there despite my insistence that i never would, and how i am not entirely sure i like it, and how where it asks for your religion i put 'chocolate', which would mean my annual pilgrimage to mecca (ie lindt cafe, martin place) is overdue.

but on my way here this morning i was thinking that i should just opt out. it is not entirely accidental that i should forget, i have a whole lot going on at the moment, and i have found the challange of blogging everyday difficult and confronting. i want my blog to be an honest reflection of where i am at, in life and in knitting, and there is stuff happening that i cant or shouldnt blog about.

in the big picture things are great. life has taken a turn for the better, and i love being back in sydney and we have a new family life i cherish, and there are exciting work prospects on the horizon, and i am healthy and loved.

in the little picture, there is lots of STUFF! for one, i am about to turn 40. only 11 more sleeps. i am not your usual 40 year old. i do not own multiple investment properties, or have 2.5 kids, or a stable corporate career, or any of the other things that are meant to be signposts of a successful grown up life. i am happy about that, i dont aspire to any of those things, i dont think they mean success at all. but i am aware that if certain things hadnt happened in my past, i would in fact be a lot more stable than i am, and at this time and with everything that has happened this year, i cant helping thinking about those things and feeling a lot of anger and resentment still.

then there is all the other stuff, the stuff about moving and being in transition, and not knowing what the future holds job wise, and the stuff about how leaving my old uni has become a bit like leaving a cult where i can see the dysfunction from a distance clearly and the people i have left behind dont speak to me anymore (weird, that one), and the stuff about crap going on within the dog club and other friendships changing, and the stuff about struggling with motivation to get into a regular exercise routine.

there is also stuff about it being 6 months since bob died and we finally got the ashes, and some of the half brothers are being arses and contesting the will and all the CRAP around that (there are some really nasty pieces of work in this world, let me tell you), and then in the last week trent left his old job and took a new contract but was owed money from his old place, and instead of getting the money he got a letter that they had gone into voluntary adminstration and he was now on a list of creditors!! and then this morning, we get rear-ended by a tailgater on the way to work. while we were having an argument, no less.

so i dont know how to keep a blog that doesnt touch on those things, and if i am to write every day, it must touch on those things, because there is little knitting to report - clappy is nearly finished and i am embarking on a several christmas surprise knitting projects that i cant blog about.

you can see my dilemma, no?

k xx